


Ephemeral Secret

by AlwaysInMyHeartL



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: :), Alcoholism, Flirty Louis, Friends to Lovers, Harry Styles - Freeform, I'm Bad At Tagging, Insecure Louis, Jealous Harry, Larry Stylinson Is Real, London, Louis becomes famous, Louis with hickeys, Louis-centric, Lovey-Dovey, M/M, Nervous Louis, Romantic Harry, Shy Louis, Virgin Harry, Virgin Louis, age gap, blonde louis, drunklouis!, from best friends to lovers, harry doesnt like talking about feelings, harry has secrets too, insecure harry somehow, kind of?, larry - Freeform, louis - Freeform, louis loves his fam, maybe not long, obvious louis, romantic louis, secretcrush!, unsure louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:13:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9267197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysInMyHeartL/pseuds/AlwaysInMyHeartL
Summary: Louis wins a week of being a singer. He gets the money, a home, a new style. But what he doesn't get is to tell anyone (except a few of his family) about it. Which is quite difficult.description will be longer soon :)





	1. Prologue

“Dear WINNER, starting from tomorrow morning, the 14th of May, you´ll be having the chance of being a superstar (more exactly, a singer as this is your special talent and reason you won) for exactly a week. You´ll be able to buy everything you want. You are allowed to leave the country if you want to, but only in this week. The basically only objects you aren´t allowed to buy are those, which won´t last throughout your Fame-Week, make it obvious that you had more money than in your real life or will be able to remember to you on this. Such as cars, houses, etc. … Clothes are allowed, but only to certain extend. Keep in mind that you´ll “lose” “your” memory of this week shortly after it. We will provide you a phone with some other celebrities´ numbers. So you can have a nice start in the week.

Do not forget to not reveal your real personality. Your name will be William. If there are questions about your surname, you´ll say that you won´t talk about it. It´s your stage name and you don´t want to give anything more away before the debut of your album. Just like that. You can keep your age (24 years). But your hometown won´t stay the same, we´ll change it to London. You will also live there in a little villa. You don´t have siblings! As you don´t have a partner, we don´t have to change that, too. If you want to, you can tell people that you have a love interest in men. Your first hit is in the making and is called Forever Young. You can promote it. Its lyrics are on a document on your laptop.

You need to leave for your train to London at 5 p.m. (TODAY!) pack your most personal things. But remember that you won´t need much! Train ticket isn´t needed, just show your new passport (in the little parcel).

On the 21st of May, you will come to our office. It´s just a few streets away from your assigned home. There we want to talk with you about how everything was and then you will take the pill. Don´t worry, you won´t lose more memory than about this week. You also won´t have any side-effects.

If there are any questions or problems, you will be able to contact us.   
Have fun.”

 

I re-read twice, but still can´t believe it. I, Louis Tomlinson, the boy who never had more money than essentially needed, will be a celebrity for a week. I know that this won´t last long but I can change so much with this. I also know that I can´t keep money in any way. Still. My mom needs some things because of the girls and for her own. And I´m the one who can help her. “The boy who will never amount to anything” as my geography teacher told me more than just once. I smirk. If he just knew! 

Also, there is one thing I aim to do. But now that I´m assure that I´ll have the money… I´m not so sure about it, any more. My plan was to buy my secret crush gifts. But how should that work!? I can´t send it as William because William will be gone by the 21st. Also, I can´t send it as me, can I? He shouldn´t know about my crush! I don´t even know if he´s gay. I mean, he never had a girlfriend… but also no boyfriend. The reason I know this is that he is my best friend. Always been, always will be. The only secret I ever had from him (beside me getting famous tomorrow) is that I love him. Since we´ve been in secondary school. Maybe even before. I even failed some classes to be in his. As he is just 22. Who he is? Harry Edward Styles. Just thinking of him makes me smile and happier. To describe him shortly, he is a real life prince charming- in and out! 

Looking at the clock I froze. Shit! It´s 2 p.m... I have to say my goodbyes. Mum might be the only person who knows about this but I still need to say goodbye to my sisters and my brother and of course to Harry! I pack a few things in my bag and leave my little apartment. I sigh as I´m closing it. I hope some things will change. Maybe I´ll really find some producer who will listen to my real songs? This makes me snort. As if anyone will ever want to listen to my sappy songs about Harry. About my secret love, my pain, my fear of rejection. Stop, Louis! You´re making yourself sad. It´s time to be happy! I´ll be wealthy in not even twenty-four hours! Even though I might look like I will rob a bank the next moment. I really should buy some clothes. But good ones. Some that will last longer. (A bit against the rule but however; I´ll send it to mum so no one will know about it) I shake my hair a bit and go to my mother´s house. It isn´t big but it is just enough for them. Sure, my sisters have to share their rooms. But sometimes I think they don´t really have a problem with that. They seem just fine with that, or do at least understand that mom can´t afford buying another house. 

As I already knew before, the goodbyes at home took a bit over an hour, which means that I don´t have much time left with Harry anymore. Sure, I´ll see him again. But I want to hug him again. I won´t be able to see him for a whole week!! Not as me… I might visit him as William. Might. 

I gently knock on his door but no one opens it. No, no, no! I swallow down my tears and walk to the train station. What a wonderful start on this! I shake my head. I shouldn´t think like this because of Harry. Yes, he´s my best friend- and crush- but it still doesn´t mean that this week will be bad. Ha! It will be the best week I´ve ever had. The contacts! The parties, I´ll definitely attend! The experience (even though, I´ll forget it)! Finally, other people who will appreciate me (beside my mom)!   
And with this thought I step into the train from


	2. Day 1

I wake up to two girls smiling at me. They look weird, both in a white uniform-like thing - and both wearing a smile. At this time!!

“William, good morning! Let´s get your hair done, yeah?”

I am very confused. But before I can even open my mouth to ask who they are and what´s going on, I´m already sitting on a stool in my bathroom and getting my hair cut and dyed. I didn´t know that dying my hair was mentioned in the contract. Anyways… 

“Will it stay like that? What colour? Why do I have to get another hair colour?? I don´t need to wear makeup, too, do I? Who are you two even? Why is my voice so weird and raspy?”

Both start to giggle, but continue on their work.

“I´m Linda and this is my sister Meg.”

I look at the mirror in front of me. I don´t know if I should remember them. But I guess. They seem to have my keys, so probably. Linda and Meg look quite alike. Both are tall, skinny, blonde and very pale. Linda has black glasses on, which Meg hasn´t. Even though they both woke me up and saw me in my undies, I have to say that I like them somehow in a weird way. There isn´t any more to say. 

“We´re here to support you a bit throughout your week. Mostly with your style and look but you can ask us whatever. We´ve both worked with stars like Selena Gomez or Miley Cyrus already. So we know a fair bit. To your questions about your hair: No, it won´t stay too long. We might even have to dye it brown at the end of this week, so no one will notice anything. It will be platin blonde. I hope you´re at least a bit okay with that. You´ll also change your ordinary contact lenses in coloured ones! I have green or brown here. You can decide which colour you prefer. And-“

“That´s much to take in.”

I mumble a bit. Hoping she´ll stop talking for just a second. I´ll have dyed hair! Platin blonde! Oh my god. I feel like I might blackout any moment. It´s not the smell (okay, just a little bit), but all the change I have to go through and also the loss of my breakfast tea. And how the actual fuck does she knows about my contact lenses?! I have to take coloured ones, now? 

“Gosh, Lin, look at the poor boy-“

“I´m a man, to be-“

“Yeah, yeah… But you still look like you´re having an important test in school. I´m sorry that Linda is so… her. Just too formal, you know.”

She rolls her eyes. I think I´ll find a friend in Meg.

“You won´t have to wear any makeup, darling. Is that your most important question? Because it felt like it to me.”

I simply nod. 

“So, William...”

Meg speaks out my stage name like she knows that it isn´t my real name. 

“Do you have any girlfriend?”

“MEGHAN!”

“Shush it, Lin! I´m allowed to ask!”

“No, I don´t have anyone.”

I seem to look a bit unhappy now. Because Meg looks like someone stole her most important things. I close my eyes, I hate when people look at me like that. I´m just solo. I´m not having any bad disease. That’s what I keep reminding and telling myself, too. But sometimes I feel like I have something that makes me stay unloved.

“Sorry, William… Really. Do- do you wanna talk?”

“Meg, I think there was something about him being gay in the folder.”

I open my eyes in horror again and sigh.

“I´m fine, okay? I´m still in the closet. And there´s just a stupid crush”

With that I feel Meg grinning.

“Oh! I want all details!”

I shake my head and I think Meg understands that I won´t say anything. Even if she keeps asking. I close my eyes again and let them do their work.  
Stupid crush. No, Harry is definitely not stupid. My heart choosing him was stupid. At least that´s what I keep thinking. I don´t know anything about his feelings. Just that I´m his sweetheart the one second and the other his pal. His bro. Does he know how much I´m adoring him? How often I dream about our future? About adopted kids? About us getting old together? I suppose he doesn´t. My tummy starts hurting, so does my heart. Does he know how much I´m hurting?  
The hairdryer starts and I know that I can eat breakfast in a bit. Since I went silent because of Meg asking about Harry they stopped talking. Still, no noise. I´m not sure if I should like this. I mean I surely can hear the hairdryer but otherwise the house is so, so quiet. It´s not even that quiet in my apartment, even though I live alone. It´s the total opposite to my siblings´ home. 

“Do you two live here, too?”

I must have been very quiet because I´m not getting any answer. I cough a bit. Meg turns the hairdryer off. 

“Yeah?”

But before I can ask again, I see myself in the mirror. Wow! I look stunning! 

“I look presentable.”

“William, sweetie! You don´t have to be like that, we both know that you look fucking good.”

“Thank you, Meg! You both for the hair style… I wish I could keep it.”

She smiles happily. 

“I suppose you first want to eat, right?”

“First?”

“There will be paparazzi in a bit-“

“WHAT?”

Paparazzi will come. Because of me. Wow. Already? I mean c´mon. It´s just my first day. Why would there even be paparazzi? I´m a nobody!!!! I´d still like to know how this all works out.

“If you let me finish, then I might be able to tell you more about that. It´s time to get some people speak about you. So, you can also start feeling like a proper star. I hope you read the lyrics of Forever Young. Well… Your eyes say you didn´t. Well, if someone asks today… Just say that this is about your wish. Your one and only wish: about staying forever young. It isn’t a love song. I don´t know much about it personally, so you should read it while eating. You can add some personal thoughts to it if you want and if they´re suitable. However, the paparazzi will take some pictures of you getting out. They aren´t here out of nowhere, the boss called them. You choose where you are going to. You just have to look presentable, to say it in your words.”

I nod. I suppose Linda always talks so long and formal. It feels like I´m gonna get used to it.  
…

 

“William! What´s your real name? Your surname?”

“Is it true that you are from Australia?”

“How old are you?”

“Are you taken?”

“Do you have kids?!”

My walk gets faster and faster till I am in a little shop. Obviously I´m breathing a bit faster than normally. I look at the souvenirs and gifts. Everything has to do with London, the Queen or England. A shirt catches my attention. It´s blue and has “Someone special from London thought about me” written on it. If we were together, I would buy it him. Should I even get him a souvenir? Or is that unnecessary? I wanted to buy him gifts but would this get too far?

“You need help, Sir?”

Confused I look to the man, probably the owner of the shop.

“No, but thank you.”

He eyes me suspiciously.

“Just say if you need anything.”

“Uhm… From man to man, should I get my … uhm friend something?”

“A gift? Why not?”

“I´m not so sure. I like them more then they like me and-“

“Oh!”

He turns and walks away. He comes back with a teddy bear with the same written on its shirt as on the shirt. The teddy is small and brown. Harry would love it. That I´m pretty sure of. I smile thankfully at the man.

“I really like it but-“

“No ´but´ Sir! You love her, right? Then show her that!”

I swallow.

“It isn´t that easy, it’s a him and we are uhm… best friends!”

“Still. He will love it. I saw that on your glance. He must be someone special and you should show him that.”

I nod and buy it. He´s right but it isn´t that simple to get someone out of the friendzone. I always have to think about how he never made a move on any girl or boy. Never. Even I had a few kisses with boys and girls, so I was assure of being gay. Not more. But Harry hasn´t done nothing like that, yet, and when he´s asked about it he just ignores it. Even though he isn´t a rude person but this is just like a hard limit for him. Maybe I should ask his mom if she knows something. But I suppose that would be too weird. Also, I tried too many times and it always feels so wrong. 

“Sorry?”

I look at the girl next to me. She doesn´t seem any older than Lottie. She has her phone and some diary-like book in her hand.

“Are you William? I heard about you on twitter.”

I nod a bit unsure.

“May I have a selfie with you?!”

“Sure? What´s your name, sweetheart?”

°°°

The day goes on like this. Me, strolling through London, looking at some shops and being stopped by a few people asking for pictures. I have to check twitter. Because I surely don´t remember having one. Supposedly I have one. Supposedly there are people talking about me there. Harry always wanted me to make one. I´m sitting on my couch. It´s been a long day, even though I didn´t really do much. I hear a ping and immediately grab my phone.

Want to come to the after show party? – Robbie W.

My mouth drops. What?! Not really?! One of my favourite singers texted me that!!! I send back a short ´yeah´ and put on black skinny jeans and a white top. I didn´t want to go to party just on the first day but it seems just right.


	3. Day 2

The only thing I can say about the party yesterday is that it was incredible! I saw so many of my favourite stars. People I normally would only be able to look at through screen. I wish I could say that I will never be able to forget this but I sadly can´t. Also, I drank the one or the other drink. Okay, maybe I might have drunk so much that I can´t remember much I did. But that´s not too bad, to be honest. I mean I can remember that I made out with a few guys. I don´t know with whom but I think I can be certain about that it wasn´t more. Whether I do have anyone next to me or in the house, nor am I anywhere else. And I´m quite happy about that. I might not be taken- especially (sadly) not with Harry- but there is still this little hope that I will find the right one and lose my virginity to him and not a stranger. Maybe it will be Harry, maybe not. But I hope that it will be him. Woah, I sound like a complete weirdo. A romantic weirdo who waits ages for someone that doesn´t even care.

I sit up and stretch a bit. I look at my mirror and even though I´m quite sure about still being a virgin, I can spot a proof that I had a bit more than just some mouth-to-mouth kisses. Immediately I take off my shirt and the view is taking my breath away. Definitely not in a good way.

The amount of hickeys on my upper body is ridiculous. What also is very ridiculous is that they form a heart. Like what the actual fuck, he must have been drunk, too, because otherwise it would be freaky. He doesn´t even know me- for fucks sake, I don´t even remember his name! - and he just makes a heart on my chest. I look at my two and only tattoos. Did he like them? I shake my head at this thought. This was just a one-time thing. I don´t know who it was- who the guy was that decorated my body. I try to remember something- even the littlest detail- but I just can´t. I stand up to look for some Aspirin tablets or anything that´s got a similar effect on my headache. Luckily I find some in the bathroom. I go back into my bedroom with a water bottle from the kitchen and sit down on my bed again. There I swallow it with that glass of water closing my eyes while doing so and trying to memorise anything. I even try to visually scan the rooms of the party- which is quite hard because it was quite dark and, well, I can´t remember much from the rooms. Just the faces of my favourite movie stars and singers. There also are some faces- faces I haven´t seen before- I can remember but I´m quite sure that I didn´t snog older people or females. I flinch when my- William´s- phone suddenly makes a ping, noticing me that someone texted me, and take it.

What a shame you were too drunk for more ;) – S. x

So, his name apparently starts with a S. We didn´t do the dirty and he might be my chest-decorator. But good to know that I didn´t do anything with him. Especially because I don´t want to experience my first time drunk. I might never tell that someone but I´m too romantic for that. Additionally, I feel like I´d be the dominant one. Even though I´m not so sure about that. But I want to find that out with someone who cares about me. Not someone I don´t know and with me being drunk. How could I even give proper consent like in the state I was yesterday, for example? I´m too horny when I´m drunk. Sigh.

Who are you again…?! Speaking of me alcohol consume of yesterday I cannot remember you; sadly?!- William

Maybe I should have let him fuck me, though? I´m not in a relationship and a stupid crush who is just my best friend and probably straight as well shouldn´t make me such a prude. This little thought which is quite deep as well for me makes a different. Because in that moment I promise to myself to get over Harry. Obviously it isn´t a good idea to make such decisions when hangover but it seems right. It will take time to fall for someone else (like truly fall, as I don´t want to hurt anyone just to feel better on my own) but I should try. It´s been too long and I miss having someone who is fully invested into me and my heart. A tear slips down my face. No one´s ever loved me. I shake my head. My phone is still in my hands but I´m not sure what I´m waiting for. For Harry to text me? Or for S to answer me? I think both. But I suppose I´ll get no answer from any of those two. S just wants a meanless shag while I want love. Harry´s love to exact. Fuck, me. No Harry. To shorten the waiting time I scroll through my camera roll. Which has – no wonder- quite some pictures of Harry and me. Maybe too much with just his face. And again I hear this voice in my head screaming that I should forget about my romantic feelings for Harry. So, before I can even really think about it I send another message to a guy I don´t know and have met at a party- where I have been a bit drunk. And well I can´t even remember anything about him. Is he my age? Is he tall? Is he shy? I don´t know anything.

Oh, and do you want to get some breakfast with me?? Like today? =) – W

I can only blush, when he immediately answers. I´m not used to that.

I´m Sam. ;) I would like- no, I´d love that, Will! - S

Aww, I´ve got a nickname now! Will. Well, there isn´t really a cute nickname for William. And I´m not sure if I would feel good with called willy. What a shame I can´t tell him my real name. Louie or Loueh would be nice to be called. Being called William is quite weird. Whenever someone calls me that I have to remember that they mean me. But as my middle name is William, too, it makes it a bit easier.

It takes me a bit to answer- which I don´t like to do. But I´m nervous. Too nervous for my liking, to be honest. It´s just my first date. My first date ever. At the age of 24. I´m allowed to be a little nervous. I´m allowed.

But what would Harry say to this? Would he be happy for me? Or would he think I´m kinda mad? That I´m going nuts because I don´t know this dude at all- can´t even remember his face-? I think I´ll tell him at night, when I know Sam more. When I know how the date was. I think this is the best idea. When I text Harry now and get no answer it´ll we just bother me.

In 10 at Speedy´s? – W

Sure, love – S x

“Why so red?”

Confused I look up to see Meg. She smiles at me. Maybe even knowingly.

“Uhhh… nothing. I need to be out in 3 minutes.”

I jump out of my bed, put on some black tight jeans and a white loose top. That should be fine. Not too much but I still look quite good.

“Don´t shave!”

I didn´t even think about that, to be honest. But she´s right. My stubble fits. So, I nod and put on some shoes.

“Don´t have the time for this, any way… See you later! Have a nice day!”

After this I´m out of my temporal home and jog to the café. Trying to calm myself down because I can´t see anyone, I start playing with my fingers. Maybe Sam just wanted to have fun.

But then someone walks towards the café. I just know it´s him. It´s Sam, the man I´ll have my first date with. The first person I supposedly almost had sex with. How I can be so sure that it has to be him? Well, just his look is so breath-taking and sexy- and, oh boy, his hair! So beautifully brown and curly. Now he stands in front of me! His cheeky smile is so damn cute. He doesn´t only look like I just described him- no- he looks quite like someone I know. But I can´t recall who.

“Hey, Will!”

He hugs me and I hug him back. This feels weird but in a good way. I feel a bit intimidated, don´t know why.

“Hiiiii.”

Did I just squeak?! Oh god.

“Don´t be so shy! I won´t bite. At least not now, in public.”

He winks and opens the door for me. I blush, obviously I do. But woah. Okay. This is going to be interesting.

 

°°°°°°°°°°

 

At our breakfast I learn quite much about Sam. Well, his name is Sam and as I can´t tell him my surname, he won´t tell me either. He grinned at that and we both ended up laughing. He is 26 and has no siblings (even though he always wished for one). His hometown is Oxford but he moved here by the age of 18. He also started university at this age. His parents wanted him to become a lawyer, so he studied it for a year. Then he realised that he should do what he really loves. This is teaching children. So, he began to study to become an English and Biology teacher. And that´s what he is now. I could see it how much he loves it. His eyes were sparkling when he talked about one of his classes.

He sometimes likes to go out and go to parties. Which is quite weird because shouldn´t he been in school? Teaching his kids instead of dating me? Also, partying on a Monday for a teacher is weird. Another thing I don´t know is, how he got into Robbie William´s party. He didn´t want to tell me either. The moment I asked him, he winked and told me that I can´t get to know all his secrets on the first date. As he wants to stay at least a bit “mysterious”.

He is very funny and makes quite ridiculous jokes. I swallow down the first thought that comes to my mind thinking about bad jokes. Sam hates being in the kitchen to cook or bake. He rather gets some Chinese noodles or pizza. But you can´t see that on his body.

He is openly gay since he´s 16. Everyone supported him. This is, well, nice to know. The only one- in my real life- who knows that I like men- well, one man but that doesn´t really matter- is my wonderful mother who always supported me in everything.

 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Come to the studios. You should have the address saved in your phone, right with my contact. Try to look a bit presentable for the cameras. Miss Parker will help you with that. – Simon C.

°°°°°°°°°°°°

 

The closer I get there, the more I can feel eyes on me. People started following me. Which is sick. They are literally following because they get paid for it. What I haven´t found out, yet, is what is weirder: those who follow me or those who paid them. As my prize is the reason they get paid for following, I assume I am the freaky one. I wanted it. If I still want that? I´m not so sure about that. I can´t hear them, though, because I´m listening to music. Thank you to the person who invented earphones. I grin. The person who invented them saved me from so many boring lessons.

The thought about me being followed comes back to my mind. I´m not sure as I am not even someone special. I am just Louis Toml- oh, I´m not. But even William is a no one. His single isn´t out yet and his name isn´t important. They should be following someone like Dave Welsh or Olly Murs.

Maybe they´re just paid and the pics will be deleted when they are finished? I haven´t seen “my” name anywhere in the news or in a paper. Not like I care. Because I really don´t want Harry to see me on some stupid yellow press. He would be so mad. Harry once wanted me to attend X-Factor but I declined because I don´t trust those casting shows. What if you get a shitty contract?? So, I didn´t go, even though he had already prepared everything for me to sign up for it. You can guess how he felt after that. He ignored me a whole week because he was that mad. After this week, everything went back to normality but I still know that he wants me to live my dreams.

I stop walking and breath deeply in and out. Stop, Louis. Harry shouldn´t be important- at least not right now. I should start to savour the moment now.

Stepping into this big, modern building I immediately spot Simon Cowell. The Simon Cowell. (Okay, I don´t really like him or give a single fuck about this money-wanting-idiot but he´s still famous! Meeting famous people is still weird to me.) I breathe in the smell of a place where singers go in and out on a daily basis. It would be amazing if I could say it smells like something worthy (dunno, maybe gold!?) but it simply smells like citrus fruits which isn´t bad at all. I turn off the music and look into his eyes. He eyes me and immediately smiles at me. I can feel how fake it is but I smile back. (Just trying to be polite.)

I step closer to him and we shake hands, while doing our greetings. We chat a bit about nothing really – especially because I don´t want to give away too much about myself. While talking we head to the lifts and get to the highest floor where I apparently will record some songs. Songs I didn´t write and don´t know much of. Which is a great thing when they are officially written by you. But fortunately, I won´t be famous long enough for them to get released. So, nothing to worry about. But it´s still quite unnecessary. I hope this douche doesn´t use my recorded voice when I´m Louis again. While he talks to me, I look around. This building is just so interesting and kind of exclusive to me.

 

****

 

I recorded two songs. Forever young, as I was told before I went there, and another one called Wherever You Go. They seem quite cool. To be honest, I have written own songs and even recorded them with my camera but this is so much better. They might not be written by me but they fit me. Their lyrics, their tune, everything about me fit me. It´s almost like I really wrote them by myself and not some professional songwriter. Who I met, to add. One´s called James and one Steve. They are both very nice guys. Not my type, but nice. Even though I went into this building with a feeling that I don´t belong there, I left it feeling like I do. I wish I did. I wish I was a real star. I want to sing in front of others, so much.

Anyways, after I recorded those songs, I immediately got stuff for mum. So, I´m here in a post office filling some parcels. Some have clothes for the girls in it, some souvenirs for everyone. Hidden between is money I took of my credit card. To be honest, I´m scared that it´s against the contract. But I don´t care either at one point because it isn´t that much and my family actually needs it. Of course, I sent it them immediately and not on the end of this week.

As I finished everything for my fam, I go to Waitrose and buy alcohol and some stuff to it. I´d like to say a little bit alcohol but it´s definitely not a little bit. Maybe a little bit too much, but I don´t want to think about it too much. Not now. At home, I don´t – or rather barely- have enough money or time to get drunk. At most, for me, I like the feeling of being drunk. Just feeling nothing and relaxing. There are people who will get emotional when drunk but I´m not like that- gladly. I´m more a fun kind of person then and I like that.

Breakfast date again tomorrow, Will? Xx –S

I grin at that, but just slightly. Okay, I really enjoy talking to Sam and spending time with him. He´s a nice guy. This date seems like a great idea.

Sure, why not =) – W

So, my time schedule from today till tomorrow is settled. Coming home. Getting drunk. Going to bed. Waking up, showering and meeting Sam. Lovely.


	4. Day 3

I wake up at 6 a.m. My head is hurting like hell. My bed accompanied by- wait, what?! I move softly – so I won't wake them up- to see who actually they are. And well. I can't remember anything at all, especially not how we landed in my bed together. Of course it's him, it couldn't have been someone else. It's Sam, but why? How? We are in a bed together. Fuck, did we? I look down on myself to see that I'm (thankfully) dressed a bit. I might not be wearing a shirt, but I have my jogging pants on. And I can see a bit of my underpants. Maybe we really didn't sleep with each other. But there's this little voice inside my head whispering that me wearing them doesn't prove a thing, at all. It feels like I can't breath. My headache from the amount of alcohol I might have drunk last night doesn't help either. I feel so weird, right now. Why is he here? How?

But then I remember a bit, not much, but it's enough for the moment. I can taste the blood on my tongue from biting my lip that much.

 

It's 9 p.m. when I arrive at home. I've already opened one Vodka bottle and drank quite a bit of it. It tastes disgusting! But that taste will go away by the next hour. It always does when I had enough of a drink.

I sit down on my couch- sighing. It doesn't stop. No matter what. Music doesn't help me. Writing music doesn't make it stop. Playing instruments doesn't. Neither does working. I hope the alcohol will. I want my thoughts – especially in that certain direction- about him to stop. I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. Everything I see, smell reminds me of him. The colour of his eyes might be sui generis but I can see it everywhere. I can see him in every guy with curls because he will always be the person who looks best with them. The food he likes.

What the hell is wrong with me? He didn't break up with me- gosh, we aren't together in the first place. We will never be. Maybe because he is straight. But if he isn't... That would mean that I'm not attractive to him. And I don't know to be honest, what's worst.

"You're attractive", I whisper to myself. "You deserve love. Think about the guys you rejected because you believed in you and Harry. It might have been just three dudes... But that's better than nothing. Believe in yourself." I nod to myself. I look at the big mirror next to me. It shows me. Me and my desperation. My eyes wander up and down on myself. I can see my bare feet- fun fact: I hate socks and I can't understand how people willingly wear them. Also, I can see my tight pants clinching onto my legs and showing my curves a little bit. I used to hate them before I graduated. But they belong to me. So I approve of them. More or less, at least. My black shirt is loose because it's one from Harry. (Speaking of everything reminding me of him.) I "borrowed" it two years ago from him and we both accepted it that he won't get it back. My hair is fluffy and my blue eyes look darker than ordinarily.

You ok, love? – S

I almost jump when I hear my phone notifying me that Sam texted me.

Yeahh, just being lonely. U? ;) - W

When I have already touched the "send", I see how clingy and desperate I must sound. Nothing to change about that now, though. Especially because he has, probably, already seen it.

Want someone over?? ;) I'm fine, ty x – S

I swallow. Taking another sip I grin.

Yes, would be nice – W

 

I can't remember what happened after that. At least not enough to know how we landed here. I know that I drank quite much but I already did before Sam came. I can't remember waiting for him, though. Which is quite weird, to be completely honest. As there are some bottles next to the bed, I suppose that we've had some more in here, too. I sigh. What if we straight went into my room when he came here?? Suddenly I can feel strong arms hugging me. Which feels very good. Okay, I almost moan because it feels so nice. But only almost! On the one side it feels so good but on the other I have quite a bad feeling about it. I don't know why. He huddles up against me and I can feel the heat in my cheek and my whole body grow more and more. And again, I have good as well as bad thoughts about this. I swallow hard. What was going on in my head? I don't even know him long enough for something going in such a direction.

"Morning, babe."

I never got so red in my face, especially not that fast. I simply mumble a good morning (what the hell should I say?! I don't know where we stand. Did we fuck? Did I give him a bj? Did we only talk? Also, my headache is terrible and I can't think about talking to other humans, right now.), hoping that I don't sound too freaked out.

"Will, you okay? Are you in pain?"

Why does he have to say it like that? Smooth like I don't know what. Just too fucking worried.

The red in my face immediately turns into pale. NO! We didn't. Please, please, please don't let this happen. I don't want to have a drunk first time. Not with someone I barely know and barely am sure how much I really like.

"Will?? You drank so much... you must have a terrible headache, darling! Gosh, you're so pale! Do you need to throw up??"

I look into his eyes (the first time today!!!) and can see that he's truly worried about my well-being and not if I still can walk. He pets my cheek softly and I flinch away from him. I must say that I've never saw someone looking that sad at me.

"Are you alright?"

I hate this look. He's so hurt. I shake my head, so I'm at least not rude.

"My- my head."

It's a murmur and nothing more. I smile assuringly (if that's countable for a smile) and get out of the bed to get some Aspirin and some water. I swallow it down. Breathing in and out afterwards, assuring myself that everything will be fine, I get back into the bedroom. Where Sam is still laying in my bed. Not even sit up. But I know that he's still shirtless. I don't dare to look into his face.

"Okay, Will. Be honest to me, what's wrong?"

I sigh and sit down on my bed, facing the wall and not his face.

"Okay, okay."

I stare at my hands. They are shaking. Is this such a big thing? A reason to react like this?

"Did...did we...? You know..."

Instead of answering, Sam starts to laugh. After a few seconds I can feel his arms hug me from behind and his body against mine.

"Will,"

His whispers are so soft that I could melt away. Why does he cause such things inside me? I can see his lips moving but I'm too much thinking to actually hear him.

His fingers snipping in front of my face get me back to reality. I blush. I mouth a sorry.

"We didn't."

I look up. Well, and I must look quite confused. He just nods. We didn't? But we are both wearing almost nothing. He asked me if I was in pain. Okay, the last one was about my headache. But still!!! It sounded like he was worried about my bum. Anyways?!

"When you were drunk, you told me that you are a virgin. I wouldn't use you like that! I'm a good boy."

He turns me around to fully hug me. I hug him back and we huddle together. I can feel myself talking to him but I don't understand myself.

But he just giggles and winks. What the fuck did I say? I hope it was witty and he didn't laugh about anything I shouldn't have told him.

"You hungry, love?"

I nod a bit. But I don't want him to leave. The other side of my bed and my body shouldn't lose warmth because he isn't here. I've never felt so secure and loved. And at the moment, I don't feel any regrets.

"I'll go to the kitchen, okay? I hate cooking but I'll manage to make you something."

We smile at each other and I end up giggling. I don't know why but it just feels right at the moment. I feel good. I feel secure.

"Ahhh... Finally! I've waited for that since I first saw you and especially since I stepped into your house yesterday! You deserve to be happy, babe."

I furrow my eyebrows. I am happy.

I am happy right now. I dunno how happy I am with my crappy job or my crush but mom always taught (and still does) me to always look onto the bright side and hold on when something's going wrong. But the thing is: when I'm not happy, I always act like I am. No one ever saw through that (or at least acted like they do). Well, till now.

I don't know if I actually deserve to be happy but I try to be. And with Sam everything's so different than at home. I feel alive, sometimes weirded out because I'm not used to that kind of attention, but mostly I feel appreciated by someone else than mom. Nothing against mom (god, I love her so, so much) but being appreciated by the gender you love is very nice.

Sam pets my cheek and goes to the kitchen. I look after him and try to get a glimpse of him in the kitchen but it's too far away. I pout. He hates cooking; I liked to see him trying to get something done. However. I hear something vibrating on the ground. So, I look for my phone and well, it really was mine. I've got thirteen messages from Harry. I bite my lips because this doesn't feel good. He never writes so many. Also, he called me twenty-four times.

Lou? I was at yours but you weren't answering your door? Are you home? If not, why? I thought it was movie night???? First time in three years that we don't do it? Did you forget about it??- 11:20 p.m.

Lou? - 11:23 p.m.

Louis? – 11:45 p.m.

Everything okay? – 11:50 p.m.

What's wrong? – Midnight

You are making me worried!!! – 12:04 a.m.

I can't even sleep because I am so worried, Boo. – 1 a.m.

Please answer. – 1:01 a.m.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I can´t add more and it always gets cut off every time after the last sentence will this chapter be in two parts.. smh :(


	5. Day 3

I am going to bed now. Hoping to get an answer tomorrow 


	6. Day 4 Part I

_Something deep inside me tells me to go to the train station. Sitting here in William´s (“mine”) villa and not going there doesn´t feel right. At least not right now. I might look a bit different than just a few days ago but it still feels like a sure must. I want to see him so, so much and don’t want to wait anymore. Any second without him feels wrong. The thing is that Harry texted me (“as I don´t answer his calls anyway”) in the morning that he´ll be here by 7 p.m. So that´s enough time left to get there. As I only have my pj´s on (and it would look too embarrassing) I have to get changed first. The different thing will be to find something that doesn´t look to expensive and more like myself than William._

_As I look through William´s closet, I find out how different yet similar our style actually is. You know, wearing “his” clothes is pretty simple when I have to present him but finding something that I would actually wear right now isn´t as easy. I even have to hide my hair somehow. Being Louis, I dress in bright clothes only at home and put on darker clothes when I´m outside (e.g. for work, going to my family and friends). The reason I rather wear darker clothes is easy. I don´t want to be seen differently with them. I know it´s quite the stereotype and all but I´m afraid that someone might get the idea that I´m gay before I can come out. Bright clothes can´t tell you that? Well… I might have had a bully in high school who accused me of being homosexual because of them. Sure, I ignored him and laughed it off. But it didn´t take long till I started wearing my darker clothes in school and stopped wearing my bright coloured tight jeans, suspenders and white stripped shirts. William´s clothes are exactly turned around. The home wear is dark, grey and boring and for the outside quite bright and happy. Of course, I can decide what I (William) am wearing but I still try to give him his own style. His own signature. Looking around the closet I actually find some suspenders and can´t stop laughing for a while. Of course, there have to be some. It feels like I had the same at that time._

_However, I put on a black, loose shirt, bright-grey, tight shorts, a red flannel around my hips, a shark tooth necklace and black converse. Also, I take some sunglasses and a black hat (so Harry won´t see my bright hair; at least not immediately). I think of shaving my three-day-beard off but decide not to. It looks nice like that, actually really good. Makes me look a bit younger. The style all together fits me so well, I should really wear things like that more often. It makes me look happier, too, if clothes can make you look happy anyway. A grin gets reflected onto the mirror. I´ve never looked so hot. This is definitely not about the hair colour! I can´t even see it right now. But I think William makes me realise certain things. I mean I never was comfortable in wearing such things ( at least not after school)._

_Before I leave, I put on some lip balm. I do this at home, too , because my lips are soo dry sometimes. If I wasn´t so afraid to present myself like William does, I definitely would try out some make-up. But I am, so I don´t do that. I tried out my sisters rouge and lipsticks but I don´t want to get hit again because “I am old enough to be those by myself and should put away my stupid fingers from Lottie´s expensive make up things”._

_To calm me down (somehow) and get me kind of braver (somehow), I listen to music on my way to the train station. I´ve never had to talk to Harry when he was that mad, especially not when his anger was because me. Not like that. We never really fight. Well, almost never. It´s my fault, I know, but it still makes me nervous. It would be so much easier when we were in another situation. I don´t know which, though. But I guess one where I could explain everything more without having to be afraid about saying something I shouldn´t. I once tried to flirt with Gemma, so Harry would say something. Or get jealous. But he just shrugged his head and went out. I know that he didn´t like it. Gemma is so important to him and he doesn´t like when guys are flirting with her because he doesn´t want her to get hurt. So I thought that he would say something. But his reaction was weird. Gemma laughed it off and said that she knew why I did it. But did say anything about why Harry reacted liked this. If this is even a proper reaction, though._

_But then I stop walking because I´m on the train station. I swallow hard and rub my hands. There are so many people here. So many people with stories I don´t want to know about because the only important person to me is Harry. And he isn´t here yet. I walk towards the big screens to check when Harry will exactly arrive._

_5 minutes._

_300 seconds._

_Three hundred seconds don´t seem all too much, to be honest, but they feel so terrible long._

_As I don´t want to just stay around and wait, I get his favourite tea from the nearest coffee shop. It takes up some times because those two people that work there are a little worked up from three people wanting a tea. That´s good though because from those 5 minutes is only one left now. So I wait in front of the door of his train. Even though there isn´t even a full minute left, I begin to shake. Or maybe it is because the time is slowly decreasing but who cares. I hate this situation and how this last minute feels even longer than the whole 5. It almost feels like an hour. It makes me go insane, somehow, and I don´t appreciate it. I should try to calm down._

_But then the train arrives, finally. I breathe in sharply. He´s here. He´s in London. He´s the last person to leave the train, though. (And I thought, I was dramatic sometimes.) However, I can see him but he doesn´t really notice me. Like I am a ghost. He walks out of the door and straight by me. Not giving me a single eye contact. He doesn´t even look at me. Well, fuck. I  swallow down my little pride and follow him. Maybe he really didn´t believe that I would come or was in thought. There can be so many reason that he didn´t notice me. As I´m standing closer to him, I touch his shoulder softly (almost petting it because I´m like that), asking for his attention._

_“Harry?”_

_Hearing his name he immediately turns around. My voice sounds weird but I don’t pay too much attention at that. At first, he eyes me very confused but then he looks at me and my body. His eyes are scanning my everything slowly and I´m not sure if I should like it. At one point yes because he seems to appreciate what he sees but then again not. Because he doesn’t seem to recognise me._

_“I´ve got-“_

_His eyes land on my hands and the tea cup in it._

_“Is that-? Oi, smells so good! Even though it´s in the cup and not too close. Mhmmm almost like my favourite kind of tea!”_

_Everything around us suddenly stops moving except us and disappears, leaving us in a grey- like space. There´s only us now. I can only see him, feel him and his presence. I love it. It´s just us. Even though we´re in such a big train station._

_“It´s because it actually is!”_

_“You must be joking, darling.”_

_“No, Harry. I´m definitely not.”_

_He takes the cup out of my hand, brushing my fingers softly. I watch his every move while he takes a few sips from it. Then he grins at me, his eyes glowing happily._

_“Oi! I love it!!! How´d you  know that I like that way??? Only my… uhh, former… best friend knows that!!”_

_The second this one word leaves his mouth I get pale and I hope he doesn´t see it. I feel like crying._

_Former?!_

_Former best friend??_

_I put on a smile again. It´s a fake smile but he doesn´t seem to notice._

_“Fits a person like you, H. You´re  a cheeky berry. And sweet like sugar.”_

_He chuckles and he grins at me while he pulls his arms around me and me close to him. Our chests are pressed onto the others. I look up into his eyes blushing. But before I can finally kiss him, his body dissolves in my arms. He melts away. Like ice._

I wake up screaming for him to come back, crying because I hate my mind playing me like this and sweating because of this whole situation.  That dream was terrible. Terrible!!! This won´t happen and I won´t let this happen. I know that Harry can´t melt away like this in real but I feel like my mind is trying to tell me something with it. And I know that it involves telling Harry the truth. I will definitely tell him everything concerning William. I won´t lose our friendship and him. He´s way too important for me to let that happen.

The weirdest thing happening was that he didn´t remember me, at all. I understand that you can´t always recognise someone when you walking by (especially not when your mind is elsewhere). But he looked at me like he didn´t know me. He spoke to me like I was a stranger, yet he flirted with me. Which creeps me out. In real life, he would never flirt with me. In my dream, he flirts with me. But he didn´t notice me, though. Which is weird. I do look like myself when you cut out that I have coloured contact lenses and platin blonde hair. But I can still see myself in all that. It´s just a few things about my look that has changed. I still look like Louis William Tomlinson.

Even though I´m still so confused and shaking, I pick up my phone and send a message with my address to Harry. But I send another one telling him to tell me when he´ll arrive. (He said that he´ll come to find me and I know him quite much to know that he talked to his uncle who works with trains to get here as soon as possible without having to pay all too much.) The reason why I want to know when he´ll arrive is that I want to be prepared and not all too nervous. Also, I would need to be here. I think about sending him a long apology but decide against it because I´d rather tell him everything in person. But one thing I can definitely do now is to cook (more like prepare some snacks) something. The something will be his favourite snacks.

He has quite a lot of (healthy) snacks, so it takes me a bit to decide what to make. I´m not sure if it should be hot or cold, sweet or salty. As I don´t want to reheat anything, I choose cold. Cold food and Harry´s favourite food makes me think of kale. But is kale alone good enough? (I hate it but Harry loves it, so I should think of some yummy snack.) Is kale good in smoothies? Obviously not in those smoothies I like (oreo or chocolate bar ones). But Harry likes green smoothies. This should work and actually sounds like a smooth idea. (Woah, Harry would love so much because smoothies and smooth idea. He loves joking so much. Maybe I will make a joke about my smooth idea. Maybe!!!)

I get some piece of paper and a pen and write down what I need.

SHOPPING LIST

  * Green Smoothie stuff (H) : kale



                                                avocados

                                                bananas

                                                fruit juices

                                                other green stuff

  * Beer (L)
  * Something to eat???



Harry isn´t and was never a candy type of person. So, no sweets. Nothing hot. Even though, he was never the guy to eat all too much sweets, he stopped eating anything having too much sugar and calories recently. I don´t understand why. He seems to be on a nutritional regimen. Does he really think that he weighs too much, though?! I really like him the way he is and was. I have to say that he looked so adorable with his cute little tummy. He didn´t look fat with it though. Just cute. I hope he knows that. But I can´t really tell him that. It would sound so weird to him. He also seems to hide the fact from me that he makes more sport to lose weight. He didn´t even ask me for advice or if he should go to the gym and eat less or not! He just started doing it. I only found out because he noticeable lost weight and you could saw it with his a bit oversized clothes. So I asked him. I frown. He must want to impress someone! This would make sense. At least more than him having a problem with a little cute tummy. Maybe it´s this chick, who moved into the apartment next to him? Grrrrr…

 

Anyways. The snacks. I think I´ll just cut some vegetables and buy some fruits too? A fruit salad would sound nice but I´m not sure if he likes too much fruit sugar??

 

SHOPPING LIST

  * Green Smoothie stuff (H) : kale



                                                avocados

                                                bananas

                                                fruit juices

                                                other green stuff

  * Beer (L)
  * Snack: vegetables



             A few fruits

            

 

Once again I feel my phone vibrate (I swear to god, I never got so many messages as in the last few days). I take it out of the bag of my pants. But it isn´t my phone that vibrated, it is William´s. I bite my lip, already knowing who the message is from and trying to think of something to avoid him.

 

_Will be over in an hour! ;) Do you like Titanic? Or are you more the Marvel type of guy? – S_

Fuck! It really is from Sam! What the hell should I do now? Harry might be coming today! But I´m also getting closer to Sam (and I like it!). My mind screams Sam but we all know what my heart whispers. The reason my heart only whispers is because it´s scared of being wrong. But I´m sure that it can´t be wrong to trust my hear in this situation. Sure, I kind of like Sam and we might get even closer but I know Harry way too long to decide against him.

_I´m totally sorry!!!!! But I´m not feeling all too fine. Don’t want u to feel sick soon too! Maybe tomorrow night? – W_

_And Titanic will be totally fine. You just have to cry too_ _J_ _So I don´t look all too weak. –W_

At first, the second message looks a bit unnecessary but it isn´t! He´ll believe me that I really feel bad about not feeling good. My heart tells me that even though I do Sam terribly wrong, I still do the right thing. Not because I love Harry but because he´s my best friend and he deserves to get treated better. And this means: no lies.

 

And now? What should I do now? Ahhh, yes. The shopping list. I put on some joggers and a hoodie which I pull up. After taking the money and the shopping list, I leave the house and jog to the closest Waitrose. Throughout being here I keep my head lowered and barely make any eye contact. Not even while paying. I mutter a “please, could I possibly have some cigarettes” and a “thank you”. That´s it. I don´t know why but I feel really terrible about lying to Sam and if he would see me now… I´m not sure if I could handle another person I like being mad at me.

 

I have to say that I have never been so fast when being shopping, though.  Which is good because sometimes it takes me a while. Especially when I´m nervous about getting a guest. It literally just took about  15 minutes. I switch the radio on, cut all vegetables (which is kind of stupid considering I don´t know when he´ll be here but who cares) and prepare everything for the smoothie. When I´m finished, I walk in my little garden and have a smoke. I haven´t smoked in years but it still calms me a bit and it feels good. After that I go back in and make myself tea and put some rum in it. With the tea in my hands I cuddle into my couch and a cuddly blanket to watch something, preferably some series like Sherlock or The Walking Dead. I surf through the channels but can´t spot either of them. Sadly. So, I stay at some music channel and focus on my tea.

 

 

***

 

 

 

Strong arms are suddenly around my body but I can´t see who´s because I´m still too sleepy to open my eyes. My mind tells me to open them because it could be a murderer or a kidnapper but I don´t listen to it. Simply because they feel so good at the moment. The person is carrying me somewhere and walks around quite much but I don´t know where to. It feels like they don´t know where to because my gut is telling me that. So this person is a stranger. Great. William isn´t that popular. Let´s be honest, I´m a no one. The people who are supposedly my fans are probably paid or have other similar reasons to do so. I´d like to say that I´m getting kidnapped but I can feel their fingers softly touching my skin. It makes me feel so good and I´d like to purr at the moment. But this situation is so confusing. No my eyes aren´t closed because I´m still sleepy, it´s because I want to plan something to get away from them. But it just doesn´t make sense. Their touch is too gentle for a murderer or a simple kidnapper. One arm slowly moves from my legs to my bum which makes me immediately stop breathing. A rapist it must be.

I try to think about what to do. I might be telling myself that I´m awake but that´s a little bit of a lie: I´m still a bit sleepy. I know this is a very bad situation to be like this at the moment. But I can´t help it. I might be feeling the adrenaline in my body but I still feel like this is a dream? Or I missed something. But I don´t know what, though.

Being the lazy person I am, I simply bite into their shoulders. Firstly, because who the fuck would think that a sleeping person would do this. Secondly, because I can´t think of anything else. This seems to be effective. They let me fall. I immediately stood up quickly and back away from them while opening my eyes. And as I open my eyes, my mouth opens, too. I can´t breath, again. Neither can I move, let alone speak. This can´t be true. How?!

“Ouchie…”

He immediately catches my eyes. I see how hurt and worried he looks. I eye him up and down. Maybe I´m shaking, now, maybe I´m whimpering. But what I know is that I´m immediately hugged by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey
> 
> on which side are you TeamSam or TeamHarry?
> 
> who do you think is the person with the strong arms?
> 
>  
> 
> PS as im not feeling good at all, idk if ill be able to update tomorrow (i write down my drafts on paper so im not sure if i can handle typing everything on here )  
> anyways, ill try my best smh


	7. Day 4 Part II

His arms are around me quite a long time and he doesn´t seem to want to stop anytime soon, either. I´m not complaining, though. I love his hugs. I always did. He makes you feel special and safe in his hugs.  Even though, I must have hurt him quite a lot (with defending myself), he still makes sure that I´m okay. I mean isn´t he just the most precious bean?!

„I´m so sorry! “

He keeps whispering into my ears how sorry he is. He didn´t even do anything wrong. That´s what I tell myself but I can´t make myself tell him that. At one point, I´m still kind of overwhelmed and the other is that I want to be hugged by him. I want to feel his body heat. As I barely get to be hugged like that (especially from my crush), I enjoy it to the fullest. But he didn´t do anything wrong, stating the facts. He really didn´t do anything wrong. His hand moved to my bum and stilled there, yes, but he did it unintentionally. (I would have liked it if I was awake and aware of him being the man touching me.) As we are pretty close to my bed, I can be sure that he probably prepared to lay me down and just tried to find a way without waking me up all too much. (Well, woke up though, ha-ha.)

“Really, Lou. I´m so sorry!”

“I must have known that you´d freak out!”

“I didn´t want to scare you!”

It takes me another it to really calm down. I hug him back deeply, giving back the love he gives me. Showing him that I missed him so much. I don´t know if he can feel what I´m trying to show him with my hug but I can just hope. I snuggle my face into his chest, so he can´t really see my face.  The reason (besides wanting  to hug him back and to be close to him) to hug him like that is simple. I don´t want him to see my cry now. I don´t know why it makes me cry that much. The tears just keep on falling. It gets more difficult to swallow down my sobs but I manage that. I´m fine. I´m safe. But somehow my heart doesn´t stop beating like crazy. I´m fine. Harry´s with me. He keeps me safe.

“A girl let met in. She said that she wanted to try out something with your hair. Which is weird because you don´t like people touching it.”

His voice is so soft and calming and he just keeps on talking because he knows what effects it has on me.

“Anyways… She also called you William. Which got me confused. Why would she talk about you but using your middle name?! I asked for you – as in Louis- and she just let me in and left. She didn´t ask for my name or anything. Just let me in. I think her name was Maggie? Mel? Meghan? Something going in that direction… She grinned at me before she left though. But in a weird way. Not like flirty. Not polite, either. I dunno. Did you talk to her… like about me? It seemed like that she knows me from somewhere but never saw me in person. Just heard stories? Know what I mean? She had such a weird grin. Do you know her, though? Like she was in this big house… what seems to be yours? Anyways. Do you know her? If not-“

I simply nod and groan a bit. Yeah, that totally was Meghan. Well, I must say that I´m glad that she didn´t tell him how much I like him or didn´t flirt with him. I´m not sure what I would do if he would date her. Like she´s cute and all. But Harry is mine. At least in my fantasy. How did she know that it was Harry though? Did I describe him that well? Fuck.

“Is she your girlfriend?”

His question is weird and so is his undertone. Like I can barely hear him talk but I can still feel that something´s odd. I immediately look up and into his eyes. His beautiful, beautiful green eyes. He looks jealous. But I suppose that´s just my imagination making me want to see that. He can´t be jealous. Why would he? But looking in his eyes makes me get lost in them, somehow, and I forget what I wanted to say. Gosh, I forget that it´s my turn to speak. He blushes and starts to giggle.

“Lou? Is she?”

I shake my head no. His first look of jealousy changes into a happy one. His eyes seem to smile. You know that when someone´s really happy but don´t say anything. Yet you can see it in their eyes how happy they are? That´s what Harry looks like right now. I don´t know why it makes him smile. Well, single Louis apparently is a reason to smile for him. Yay! I hope that my imagination isn´t playing me all too much, at the moment. Harry liking me in that way would be so, so great. I´ve waited so long to get out of our weird friend-zone. But I suppose I´ll never get out of it. Sadly. I cuddle more into him. (If that´s even possible.)

“So eager, Lou. Are you okay, though, Lou? I saw your tears… Okay, I didn´t see them but they dropped onto my chest…”

I swallow. To be completely honest, I´m not sure. But I suppose I am okay? Not all too fine but okay is a good to describe it. Not too bad and not too good.

“Lou… Please! I want you to be fully honest with me! We promised that each other, remember?”

I nod and take his hands.

“Oh my… Louis! You’re shaking!! Are you sure that you’re ok?”

“Yeah. I just- I thought someone broke into this … uhhh, my… home. I thought that you would harm me… I was so insecure. I was scared.”

He looks at me, sad and worried. I hate this puppy boy looking like that! He should be smiling.

“Can we talk about something else, please?”

“Why did Meghan call you William? Is it your nickname here? You didn´t start a new life here, did you?”

I see how much this circumstance hurts him. He also looks scared in some way. Which is odd. But well, then again not. I left him – my best (and only real) friend – without saying goodbye and ignoring his calls and texts the days afterwards. I´m a terrible best friend, to be honest. Swallowing hard, I undress my hoodie. The fact that I´m shirtless in front of Harry doesn´t make me blush for the first time ever. Therefor I´m scared for what he´ll say or what he´ll think. Sure, I personally think that I look really good (which I barely think of myself) but who knows what Harry thinks. I don´t care about the tats because he knows them. Damn, he helped me choose the most of them. Some of mine are even complementary to his. But I´m so scared about what he thinks about my dyed hair. He can also see those stupid hickeys (okay, the hickeys aren´t stupid but a heart looks just way too invested into Sam what I´m not and ughh) from Sam. Apparently he doesn´t pay all too much attention to my hair (I should have just put the hoodie down but I didn´t think that one through) and my new appearance. But he does to the hickeys. This one is definitely not made up by my imagination because he´s staring at them.

“But you seem to have a girlfriend, though… Bro.”

I cringe at that word. Bro. No. He´s definitely not my bro and I´m not his. I like sweetheart more!! He starts to trace them, his hand´s shaking terrible. I shake my head. He isn´t my girlfriend and also not my boyfriend. I don´t know what we are. But not together. I can´t barely breathe because of Harry´s hand on me. It´s so gentle and soft and big.

“N-No… I was drunk? He-“

My eyes widen immediately and I look away. And there goes my closet.

“Oh. Nice hair colour.”

I look at him gobsmacked. That was the un-smoothest way from him to change a topic ever. I don´t know if he´s hurt or relieved or pissed. I also don´t know if he doesn´t give a fuck. Which could be possible because he doesn´t feel a thing for me. At least that´s what I think and not hope to be. But he´s such a weird person and always so readable but not in this situation. I try to understand him. I try to feel into him. But I can´t. I can´t even read his expression at the moment. Don´t even know what to say now. Especially because I don´t want him to change the topic, even though I wanted to speak about me being William in the first place.

“Harry?”

My whisper softens him a bit. He smiles reassuringly at me.

“Yeah?”

I bite my lip. Now or never.

“I want to tell you something… Well, two actually. I´m pretty unsure how and I hope you won´t be mad or pissed or disgusted-“

He just chuckles at me. Wow, nice. Good to know that me trying to open up is so funny. It´s not like that it took me years to tell him that. Maybe I shouldn´t come out to him, though? Like just talk about William and try to forget that. If he finds it funny that I want to tell him that I´m into men, what we´ll he do when he finds out that I´m into him? A tear just slips. I tried holding it back but it just happened. I bite my lips even more and look away. I shouldn´t break down now. No, I won´t break down.

“Anyways, do you want something to drink?”

I can feel his eyes on me and I know that he doesn´t like how my tone was just monotone and nothing else. I know that Harry didn´t want to make fun of me but it still hurts. Of course, it does! If I said that it doesn´t , than I would be lying. He tries to hug me more, but I flinch away from him. Even though I´m sitting on his lap and even though we´re in a kind of hug. But I can´t right now. I can´t let him hold me when he hurt me like that. Even if it was unintentional. Pain is pain.

“Lou. Please.”

His voice is so apologetic and so soft. I close my eyes because I´m afraid that I will see his sad puppy eyes. I´m not sure about what to do. I can´t stand up because I´m pretty sure that he´ll hold me down and try to talk to me or hold me. I can´t let him hold me now. I shouldn´t.

“Louis… We´re best friends. C´mon…”

I grit my teeth and turn my head to him. Opening my eyes, I stare at him.

“A best friend doesn´t laugh at the other one when he´s about to speak about something he´s been so fucking scared for years! I know that you don´t want to hurt me but you still laughed! Do you fucking know how much that hurt?!”

He swallows and sighs.

“But do you know how much it hurts to see someone you love suddenly disappear and ignore you?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya :)
> 
> how do you like this story so far??


	8. Day 4 Part III

The first day I met Harry lays many, many years ago. To be honest, I can´t even remember how old we were. But I suppose somewhere with me being 2? Maybe younger, maybe older? But not older than 4, because we went in the same kindergarten. That´s the place where we old each other – no; we promised each other- that we´ll stay best friends forever and that we´ll never lie to each other. Sure, a kid says those things easily. Especially the part with being and staying best friends forever. The thing is that Harry and I aren´t everybody. Between the day we met and me becoming 20 we spent every possible day with each other. We never had separated holiday trips! We always went together: if it was a family trip or a summer camp. We never were without the other one. But I don’t know what happened then. Every day got to every week at least once and I hope this won´t change too less now. Somehow I have this weird feeling that something will happen. And I surely don´t want to lose him. He´s the only person who knows me (besides me being gay) and why I am who I am and just understands me. I don´t want to lose that. I want to have someone around where looking in each other’s eyes is equivalent to talking. And I think that there´s no one that will ever be similar to Harry.

Sure, there´s Sam but he´s just a fling. A fling who I won´t see again in a few days. A fling who magically appeared and immediately liked me. Which is odd from minute one because he´s soo affectionate and always has time. Even though he actually has to work! To be honest, I don´t believe him saying that there was a school holiday. Sure, Donny and London aren´t quite close but I don´t think that the students here have so much more free days than in London. I don´t know why he “likes” me that much but I know that him and me would just be a temporary thing. Maybe he just wants to fuck me and does everything to get in bed with me. (That´d be odd though because I´m not that hot and who is so affectionate and kind of clingy when they just want to get in bed with you?!)

But I think Harry is more important, right now (and like always but pshhh), because he just kind of said that he loves me? He never used this word. Never! Sure, he calls me a few pet names but he never said that I´m someone he loves. Like I know that he cares about me, but love? Or is this just my imagination speaking again? I could be imagining it. Like I do when it´s about him looking at me or when he walks by me and I can feel his fingers on my shoulders. Those things were always probably just products of my imagination and dreams. Harry can´t like me. Why would he like someone like me? What if he doesn´t mean what I´m thinking? That´s probably the thing. He doesn´t mean love love just caring. He doesn´t love me. He cares about me. I´m his best friend. And I have a crush on him. But that will apparently stay a secret.

Feeling hands on my cheeks make me snap out of my thoughts. My eyes widen when I see Harry smiling at me shyly. I blush. What the fuck is happening?! Harry must notice that I´m shocked somehow. Shocked seems wrong though but it´s like a positive shock? I wouldn´t mind if he kissed me. But he doesn´t. He takes a way his hands from my cheeks and looks at his laps with furrowed eyes. I pout. Well done, Louis!!! I just destroyed the first (kind of) romantic moment we´ve ever had. I swallow and cough.

“Harry?”

He looks at me but I feel how unsure he is. Damn, like he´s the only one who feels like pissing themselves because of anxiety?!

“I´m sorry for doing that. I should have told you. I kind of tried on the day I left but you weren´t home. Also, I´m kind of not allowed telling anyone. Mum knows but that was okay from the start. But I actually shouldn´t really tell anyone… but you- you are not just anyone. That´s why I kind of ignored you? I was afraid that you´d find out that something´s going on and-“

“Why is this here so secretive? Did you join the MI6 / Secret Intelligence Service??”

I sense how much he wants to laugh now and make a silly joke but he seems to know that it isn´t the time to laugh. So, I tell him. I tell him how I made a video of myself singing Justin Bieber songs and sending them to this company who offered this win. I tell him how I almost forgot about this because c´mon. I´m not the best singer and why would I ever win something that nice? I´ve never won something before! But I did win. And everything went so fast afterwards. Me packing, saying bye to my family and having to get to the train station. I tell him how I met Robbie Williams in the first night and then explained the hickeys. I tell him that I´ve never seen the person again who made them because Sam doesn´t matter to me. Well, that´s a lie but I feel like that I shouldn´t mention him. Speaking of it: I don´t mention that I snogged guys! I use the phrase “some people”. I can´t come out that fast. I´m not ready. At least that´s what I think. My heart wants me to tell him. Because it wants Harry to love me back but I know that I´ll get a disgusted face. I just know it.

“Wow.”

That´s all I get and honestly I didn´t expect any more. I just sigh and look at him. Now? What we´ll do now?

“But why are you staying here?!? You could have caught a flight to America or Argentina! We both know how much you´ve always wanted to get there!!”

“But I don’t want to spend two days in a plane! That´s the problem! Otherwise I would have taken this chance! But I kind of bought a flight…”

I smile cheekily and bow forward whispering in his ears that I bought plane tickets for mom and Dan. As a wedding present. Sure, there wedding was a few years ago but they didn’t have enough money for a honeymoon and they deserve it so much. I don´t know though if this goes against the contract. But I could care less. I bought them the tickets already and they´ll leave a few days after I´ve come home. The tickets are even already on the way to Donny. Harry just shakes his head in disbelieve and smiles at me.

“You know, Louis… You keep on telling yourself that you´re such a bad person- NO! Don´t try saying that this is true! I know you good enough to know. You´re no, okay? You´re such a beautiful person with such a wonderful mind and you care so much about the people you love! People might not treat you right but you still try to help them afterwards. You´re a precious angel, okay?”

I blush. Why is he saying this?!

“Louis , I´ve always wanted to tell you something but never knew how…”

My eyes widen and I smile.

“Louis, I-“

But then the door has to ring and destroy everything. Even though I have no clue who it is, I´m pissed. Why?! Harry and I were just having such a nice moment and he wanted to tell me something important.

“Uhhh. Don’t , don’t you want to open the door and see who it is?”

“Nah, they´ll probably go away. Please go on, Haz.”

He nods.

“Okay, if you think so-“

But then there´s quite a lot knocks and I just have to tell them to fuck off because who are they to go on my nerves like that? I stand up and stomp to the door. Opening it with dark eyes.

“CAN´T YOU FUCK OFF, I TRY T- Sam?!”

My face gets pale and I eye him up and down. Why is he here? He looks at me in a strange way.

“You okay, darling? You said you weren´t feeling good, so I got some stuff from the pharmacy and got here…”

I cough a bit when I feel Harry´s hand on my back.

“Sam, I-“

“Who is this guy behind you?”

I turn a bit around and look at Harry. I´m totally lost at the moment, to be honest.

“I´m his doc and you will leave because he has to get to bed again!”

Somehow this sentence feels way too erotic. Sam seems to feel it too. I just blush and look at the ground. Why did Harry have to say it like that?

“I didn´t know you were taken…”

Harry puts his arms around my waist and I know that he´s kind of grinning at Sam. Why does he have to do that? If Harry turns out to be hetero, I´ll have no one. No fling and no Harry. Sam just looks at me disappointed and leaves. Harry closes the door and looks at me hurt.

“Who was this?!”

He snaps at me. He seriously snaps at me. I shrug my arms and furrow my eyes.

“Louis, who the fucking hell was this guy?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“It´s obvious why. Just fucking tell me who he is!”

“He´s the one who made them…”  

I point at the hickeys and avoid his eyes looking at me. I don´t want to know what he´s feeling.

“But you said that you didn´t see them again.”

“Yeah, I did. But I didn´t want to out my and just say that I´m kind of seeing this guys.”

“Louis, c´mon…”

“What?!”

“It was always obvious to me that you like dicks more than chicks.”

I shake my head in disbelief.

“You fucking knew? You fucking know that I´m gay but I´m not allowed knowing what you´re?! I´m not allowed knowing who you like? Hell, you´re mom almost snapped at me once because I asked her if you are seeing someone. ALSO, do you fucking know how difficult it is to hide something like that from your best friend?! Do you know how bad it made me feel 24/7?”

He looks down, wipes away a tear and looks again at me.

“You know that I´m in the closet, too? The difference being that my dad hit me and then left mom? I know that you were scared. But I was too!  I mean I don´t want to really label myself because I just don’t love men… I love one man and will never love someone more than him.”

“Oh, so you´re taken, too. Good to know.”

He rolls his eyes and I don´t know how it happens because it happens so fast but I´m kissing him now. I´m kissing Harry. Wow. It took how many years for my dreams come true? I´m shaking so much now because I´m so excited and overwhelmed. He hugs me and leans his head against mine after the kiss. Wow.

“Harry… Wow.”

I can barely breathe. I´ve never kissed someone like that. It felt like a dozen fireworks in my heart and millions of butterflies in my tummy. His lips are so soft and chaste and he tastes so good in some way. Also, his aftershave smells so fantastic. I never want this to stop. I just want to stay in his arms. I hug him deeply and smile in his chest. It´s the first time that I can say that I´m really happy. Like honestly happy. I can´t even stop smiling because this makes me so content. It feels like my black world turned into a coloured one.

“So,… Who am I dating now? Louis or William?”

He giggles and picks me up. He brings me to the sofa and lays me down there to cuddle with me there.

“Mhmmm… Do I want to date you for just a few days or as long as possible… I´m not sure. Tell me?”

I grin. My mind tells me to use pet names because Harry would like that but I´m suddenly too shy for that. Like I simply don´t dare to say them because I don´t want to say anything wrong just yet. But would it be wrong, though, to call him pumpkin or love? It wouldn´t hurt, I think.

He grins back and just kisses me.

“I want you, Lou. Always did.”

Tears are suddenly running down my face. I´ve always wanted for this to happen. But I´ve never dreamed about how good it would feel in real life. I feel like I´m full with hearts and love and I just want to hug everybody. He immediately wipes them away and kisses my forehead.

“Louis, love! What´s wrong?”

“I love you.”

There it goes. The first time I´ve ever said those three words. Who knew that I would say them while crying? I thought I´d tell Harry them in a more romantic way. Maybe with a date at home. Who knows but not while crying. Though, the crying isn´t in a negative way. I´m not hurt, I´m just full of love. And I´m not really used to it.


End file.
